Bed rest sounds great until it’s you

Bed rest sounds fun, until it happens to you.

All of us enjoy a lazy day. The opportunity to just relax and recharge is something that is rare for mothers and working moms. But then they say you are on bed rest and you immediately want to get things accomplished.

At this point the bed rest has only been ordered for a couple of days, but already I’m going crazy. My husband has been running around like crazy taking the kid to school, getting me to doctor, picking up dinner and picking up our son. I feel worthless.

 

My husband and I are true parenting partners. He gets my son ready in the morning and makes lunch, while I get ready for work. He takes care of shopping and dinner most nights. He works weekends, so on the weekend I take on the boy’s activities and entertainment. I love him for all he does for us, and I struggle leaving him on his own.

The guilt I feel for not being able to help out right now is pretty overwhelming. I was to kick off the year as the president of my sorority alumnae club tonight. I am trying to plan another 4 events for work. I also have a lofty fundraising goal I want to achieve before going on my leave. I am spending quite a bit of time emailing and keeping up with work. I’m supposed to be on PTO.

It’s only been two days. I only have one day left. I can make it. Then back to work to accomplish what I’ve set out to do.

The question remains. Can I keep my job progressing, keep my baby safe and keep my sanity?

And to all the moms-to-be on bed rest, good luck. It’s harder than it sounds.

5 ridiculous things about being pregnant

32 weeks in and this was the first time I saw myself in a full length mirror. I was in a hotel while traveling from work and took advantage to document the progress.

We all have images and preconceived ideas about what pregnancy is like. We hear people talk about the pregnancy glow. Pregnancy is the opportunity to assist God in creating a miracle and it is a privilege and a blessing. However, there are some parts of pregnancy that seem like a joke. They are just ridiculous. They are outlandish and outrageous. They are the things you don’t think about before you have a bun in the oven. I have five at the top of my list.

Bombshell boobs. Maybe you’ve been blessed with a voluptuous chest all your life, but for the rest of us it’s like the answer to our prayers. Finally! Seemingly overnight you gain a cup size. The sick joke is, while your figure is now the embodiment of your teenaged fantasy you now feel so lousy with morning sickness you don’t want to take it out for a spin. So your partner sits panting, while you sit praying you won’t puke on him.

 

Personal space please. What is it about a baby bump that makes people forget all about personal space and manners. This round mass protruding from under my enormous breasts is still my stomach! Why do people (even strangers) feel like they can just reach out and touch your stomach? If you ask me (and I know you) I’m happy to let you feel the baby kick, but don’t just reach over and touch me without permission.

Springing a leak. Between a loss of bladder control (no judging men, unless you want us to put a spaghetti squash on top of your bladder and see how you maintain control over your fire hose), vaginal discharge, spotting and breasts prepping for nursing there are a variety of opportunities to secrete fluid. Pregnant women practically get to diaper themselves before they diaper their baby. Seriously sexy.

Hormones. Just about the time you become the size of a baby whale, you also become as hormonally charged as an adolescent boy. This is the moment the first and third trimester roles for men and women reverse. Sure he wanted you and your newly grown chest in the first trimester and you had to pass. Now you would happily let him cop a feel but then the baby flips over in your stomach and makes the entire then move. Now he is looking at you with real fear in his eyes, certain that Sigourney Weaver’s Alien experience is about to happen in your bed. Sorry sister, no sex for you.

Maternity clothes. This one may have thrown you for a loop, but I find it truly annoying that maternity clothes are the same price as any other clothing. These are temporary clothes. They are likely only going to be worn 8 months max. If you have multiple pregnancies then perhaps you will use them a couple more times. They should be at least half the price of regular clothing. It’s absurd.

 

These are the five that are on my mind. I’d love to hear yours. What were you surprised by or find outrageous during your pregnancy.

 

Eating for one and a half

I saw a story where Chrissy Teigen was shamed for eating this Fruity Pebble & Cap’n Crunch combo while pregnant. I figure if it’s good enough for her it’s good enough for me.

When I found out I was pregnant I was in the middle of preparing for a beach vacation to the Dominican Republic. I was working out at lunch each day, had given up most of the treats and was really seeing progress in muscle definition. I am average weight. No one has ever accused me of being overweight or fat, although I have been overweight before.

I have been unhappy with my size since the 7^th grade, with the exception of the summer of 1994. The first year of college with its all hours of the night eating, study pizza and beer had left me pudgy. I started walking every day and was very toned and slim when I went back for my sophomore year. That brief moment lasted maybe a month, otherwise my weight has been an issue in my head.

To be honest, I’m thankful for it. I have never gotten too close to an unhealthy relationship with food on either side of that slippery slope. I don’t binge eat to feel better, nor do I starve myself. If I let myself get out of whack, I can usually rein it back in pretty easily.

But this pregnancy has proven to be a little more difficult for me. My head is very unhappy with the weight I have gained. My doctor says I’m right on track. Most people have said very little about my size, although there is one exception of someone who told me I was looking really big, twice. But the person who has the most to say about my weight gain is me.

Logically, I know that I’m right on track. The first trimester I ate whatever sounded good because I gagged at the thought of lots of foods. But in the second trimester I have found my rhythm again. I’m able to eat like a normal person.

My daily diet is pretty simple, plain Greek yogurt with fresh berries and a sprinkle of nuts, a turkey sandwich (yes, I consulted my doctor. He said go for it.) for lunch sometimes chips, sometimes fruit, and my husband makes me dinner at home most nights. But as you can see by the picture, I do still have the occasional treat.

I remember when I was working in my twenties and one of my co-workers became pregnant. She told me then you really only need 300 extra calories a day to support a growing pregnancy. As I lifelong calorie counter that really stuck out to me. That’s one extra small snack a day. A far cry from the eating for 2 mantra I had heard before.

I am not counting calories during my pregnancy, but I do wish I could get this voice in my head to relax a little. The worry is not really about what I look like during pregnancy, that part is inevitable, it’s the climb to get back to looking like my old self after the baby arrives that has my brain working overtime.

So I have a plan. It’s what I do when I face a problem that keeps me up at night. Whatever is stressing me out gets a plan of action, whether work, kiddo or weight.

First, I’m going to continue to eat like I am now and before the pregnancy for those first several months. Remembering the last go round, there will be a multitude of mini Halloween candy bars around my home. I’ll need to remember they are treats and not my main food supply. Drinking lots of water and enjoying my baby is the first order of business.

Once I pass the zombie phase (however long that might take, I’m hoping a 3 or 4 months), I’ll start cutting down the treats. Kick up the veggie intake and continue with the water.

Hopefully, as the New Year starts I’ll be able to take baby for walks in the park with his brother. Or go for a walk after an early morning feeding before work.

My hope is by this time next year that I am looking like my normal self. I don’t think anyone will be knocking down my door asking me to model bikinis, but that’s okay by me. My goal is to feel healthy, strong and happy in my own skin.

On that note, it’s time to eat.

Born without the mommy “gene”

My belly at 22 weeks. (please ignore the smudged mirror)

There is a gene that most women are born with that seems to have been left out of my DNA. It’s the baby, nursery, must be a mommy “gene.”

I’m pregnant with my second child and I’m looking forward to meeting this little man. His older brother is a true joy and a blessing. He makes me laugh with his creative stories and non-stop chatter. I thank God every night for this beautiful persona and for trusting me to be his mother.

All of that being said, it was never my hearts desire to become a mom. I would’ve been perfectly happy if my husband and I had never become parents. I didn’t feel anything was missing from life.

When I was pregnant with him I changed jobs, moved halfway across the country from my career and created a television show that went on air one month before he was born. I picked out graphics and web themes and social media schemes for the TV show. I wasn’t worried about the decoration for his nursery or what he would wear home from the hospital. Those details were not at the top of my to do list. I felt his life would not be significantly altered if he didn’t have a giraffe mural in his room.

Now it is the second time around and honestly my outlook is the same. Four months form the arrival of this little blessing and I pray about being a good mom. I think about how I will foster his gifts so that he becomes the man God needs him to be fulfilling his purpose for God’s kingdom. I have no idea what I want his nursery theme to be. If I hadn’t donated all of my first child’s nursery bedding, that’s what we’d use. Unfortunately, I have to go out and pick again. Trust me it was hard enough the first time.

People at work ask me if I’ve registered. They ask about the theme and maternity pics. That’s when I realize that I missing the “gene.”

For me it’s not a problem, but I think others believe I’m a little off. I can see it in their eyes, “How is she not obsessing over the nursery theme, why has she not scheduled her 3D ultra sound, why has she not bought the babies going home outfit or scheduled maternity pictures?” My answer is, that all feels like small stuff. It’s cute and fun and I am excited for other mom’s who were born with that “gene.” I love seeing their baby outfits and nursery colors. It’s just not my personality.

I know I’m a good mom. Yes, I experience mommy guilt plenty, but I know I’m doing the best I can. I play with him as much as possible, but I love that he is independent and likes to color and build on his own. I take him to experience new things and tackle adventures, but we also like to spend days in our pjs.

I know some of you will feel sorry for my children after reading this post. It doesn’t bother me that you feel that way. My life is one of simplicity. I like basic. I look at the big picture. If I believed the perfect going home outfit would make my newborn sleep through the night I would be scouring the internet for hours looking for the perfect thing, but it won’t. Whatever outfit he wears home will be outgrown in minutes, but he will never grow to big for my embrace, for my love, for my guidance (though he may not appreciate it) or for my grace.

I’m honored to have been chosen to be mother to these two boys. I hope I make them into strong, respectful men. To me that outweighs the importance of the perfect nursery.

4 reasons I’m glad daycare helped me raise my son

His school pictures at three years old.

The day I found out I was going to be a mom I had the perfect plan. I was already employed with a work from home company. I was going to need some in home help from time to time, but mostly I was going to be at home with my son. My husband worked nights and weekends (still does) which meant he would be available to help with the baby in the morning and in the afternoon I would only have a couple of hours of juggling work and the baby until I was off the clock at 5pm.

But then my life was turned upside down. I was offered a job closer to our parents (grandparents rejoice!). It was a great opportunity that both my husband and I agreed was the right move for our family even though it meant a big move, a month a part and I would no longer be able to stay home with our impending bundle of joy.

Having friendships with lots of moms, I understood that there was both positive and negative to each side of that coin. Now three years later, I have been laid off from the job and I am a stay at home mom (at least for the moment). It has given me a great opportunity to see both sides of the fence. One of the things I always feared for myself and my son about being home with him 24/7 is that I would take the path of least resistance. It is faster for me to pick up toys. It is neater if I feed him. It is easier to give in to the desire to have a snack or watch TV or my iPad than to fight back against the whining. I know this about myself. I think it is something many stay at home parents fight.

I can say with full confidence that my son is a better person and I’m a better mother because of his time in daycare. He has had wonderful daycare providers. Loving women who were focused on teaching him to be a good person and not catering to his childish whims. They taught me that he could do more than I believed he could whether at 10 months or three. As a mother, my instinct is to coddle and protect. They knew he needed to be taught certain lessons that would serve him well as he heads off to school in a few short years. Here are the reasons why daycare was best for my child.

1. He likes to do things himself: Like mothers of multiple children day care providers have only some many hands, which means they can’t do for one child all day long. (like I would have if he had been home with me) Like with all children he is in a “do it by myself” phase, but he has been doing a lot of things by himself for a long time. Even before he could walk on his own he was taught to pick up his toys. His daycare provider would put a toy in his hand and then hold on to him as she walked him to the shelf to put it away. Once he could walk on his own he was expected to help pick up. He didn’t have to do a lot of heavy lifting, but he did participate. I followed this rule at home as well.

2. Self confidence: He isn’t afraid to talk to others whether adults or children. He knows how to communicate with them because he had to be able to talk for himself. I am confident that as a mother who wanted to protect her baby I would have talked for him and anticipated his every whim giving him no room to do it for himself. Now he confidently speaks up for himself when a child takes a toy from him or if an adult asks a question or if he likes or doesn’t like something. It makes me very proud.

3. Security: This one takes a lot of time. However, he is secure in the idea that I will come back to him at the end of the day. He knows I will pick him up if he falls. He knows that I love him. He knows when I drop him off at the church nursery that I will come back, because I always did come back. The first time I left my son for a long weekend away with my husband he stayed with my mom and dad. He was used to them, but not used to being away from us for that long. (I wasn’t used to it either) When I came back and picked him up at my parents house he stood in front of my and just giggled and giggled thrilled that I had returned. It is a memory I hope I never forget. He learned that I will come back. That he can be separated from me and be confident that we will be together again.

4. Sharing: My son is an only child. I have known he was going to be an only child from the moment I found out I was pregnant. (I haven’t totally ruled out adoption, but I’m not having one myself) It is a personal choice that many don’t agree with, but it was mine. It works best for my family. With that being said, it is part of the reason I wanted my son to be in daycare and exposed to other children. It gives him a chance to socialize and play with other kids. He needs to understand that the world doesn’t center on him and that he doesn’t always get everything he wants. He isn’t perfect, but for the most part I don’t get a tantrum or whining when I tell him that he can’t have a toy because another child is playing with it. He knows not to take things from other children because he was disciplined when he did. Yes, I would have disciplined this behavior as well, but because he was in daycare he had the chance to learn this lesson early. If he had stayed home with me full time he wouldn’t have been around other kids except maybe once a week at church. It would’ve taken longer to learn this lesson.

Bonus- Potty Training: We would have eventually figured out potty training, but I feel like it went quickly this year because of the schedule at his school. He went to the potty with the other kids on a set schedule. They all went potty and so did he. I kept him in Pull Ups probably longer than he needed to be because of a fear of accidents (as I mentioned moms hate the mess). He had to learn to be in his school and it was a great learning experience for me as well. While many books and methods do not recommend a potty schedule it worked well for us. He also has been able to pull up his pants and pull them down on his own since before he was two because his daycare provider taught him this lesson. It took me a long time to stop doing it for him at home so he could learn it for himself, but now I am so glad I did.

I understand that for many women it is hard to imagine someone else “raising” their child. I am not saying that children of stay at home parents aren’t going to excel in these areas as well.

I have been fortunate to find great people with a lot of child raising experience to be a part of my village. I am sure I missed out on some precious moments because I worked, but I’ve also had some pretty precious moments for myself. I believe that the experience of these women helped me be a better mother and put my son on a road to be a strong independent productive person. I will love these people dearly and I will always cherish the role they played in growing my son in the first years of his life.

The face of mommy guilt isn’t pretty

This is what I looked like after crying all the way to work. Sexy right?

This is the face that caused me to cry all the way to work.

My son has started a new preschool daycare this week. Today was day three. It ended with both he and I in tears. You can see how gorgeous I looked when I arrived at work. My face red, bloated and splotchy. This is the face of mommy guilt. That picture of my son crying in his car seat (when we were stopped), that is what caused my tears. I work full time as an executive producer for a television show. My husband works freelance which means he has an unpredictable schedule. We need an everyday schedule for our son. We know that, but with our jobs it isn’t easy unless we put him in full time daycare.

This is his second daycare in his nearly 3 years of life. The first time he was months old when he started and had no real opinion about it. It’s just where he grew up. Now, after 3 months of being shuffled between dad and grandparents, he knows what is going on and where he wants to be and what he doesn’t.

It is easy for people to lob bombs at working moms about choosing to let someone else raise their children. Truthfully, I would rather be home with my kid. It’s a desire that is incredibly strong, but we are a family. I am not the only one who has to be considered in this decision. My job has consistency and health insurance. My husbands is inconsistent and no health insurance. Should he just get a full time job? Maybe, but I can tell you that he is a happier person when he is not working full time. He worked full time until I got a job offer closer to our family and pulled him away from his stable job (that made him crazy). Now he is a happier man and a great dad. Is money worth changing the way he feels about his life and family? I don’t thinks so, but maybe it’s worth it for me to stay home with our child. Honestly, today I don’t know the answer.

I know my child is safe and well taken care of at his new school. I left him in the arms of a teacher who was loving on him and telling him that I would be back soon. He loves playing with other kids. He loves running and playing and coloring. He has shared his day with me the past two days. The good: mac and cheese for lunch and the bad: a little girl who wouldn’t let him color with her and hurt her feelings. (yeah, I don’t like her either) I am sure when my husband picks him up today he will be happy and playing. But this morning mommy guilt.

When we talk about mommy guilt, we talk about it in a benign sort of way. Like it is an annoyance, but move on. I believe that mommy guilt which tugs at all moms is exacerbated by the judgement of others. I know you all are judging me. I can hear you. “Of course, it’s worth it for your husband to stay at home.” But you don’t live my life. Of course, when my son cried this morning I wanted to turn around go home. But I know that he will get used to what we do. He will still feel loved. I hug him and kiss him and laugh with him and give him my attention when we are together. Sure it isn’t a lot of time, but when we are together he knows he is important in my life. He cries for me when he is sad. He knows who I am and what he means to me. I will continue to tell him forever.

Being loved isn’t about being together all the time. No other love relationship in our life is defined by spending every waking moment with that person.

In this moment, while I struggle, while I sob, while I feel guilty, while I yell at my husband because I want it to be different, can you not judge me?  In this moment, can you as women, as moms, as friends, tell me it will be okay. Tell me it will get easier. Tell me he will know I love him even if he isn’t home with me ever day.

Look at my face, the smile behind the bloated, red splotchy face. Can’t you see I’m hurting? Can’t you see that the decision to take my child to daycare isn’t an easy one? Can you just show some compassion and grace? I promise, that I will do the same for you.